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Hi!, I started this blog quite selfishly and yet not. I had just become a new mum and I needed a space to air out my thoughts. I’ve neve...

Mar 10, 2017

Birthing experience for c-section.


I've read a lot about births as I was preparing for mine and it seems to me. That there is this assumption that c-section mums don't experience birth. That we just lie there peacefully as a baby is calmly taken out of our tummy and handed to us.
Well I can assure you that we certainly do experience the birth in our own individual way..
I was flooded with emotion after emotion.. All hitting hard and fast, my brain could hardly keep up.. From the moment I entered the operating theatre It went something like this:

Anxiety
An operation, anesthesia.. Epidural.. That huge needle in my spine.. Will baby be healthy..

Anticipation
My son, my son

Pain
She missed the vertebrate.. Needle again, must find calm in my soul to relax.. Must trick my brain into a quiet space

Joy
We did it! after puncturing my skin a few times.. I felt each push, the heat of the pain along my spine

Terror
I can't feel my legs, but I know they are there
I know they are being lifted, being moved. My lower half is being touched, being moved, without my consent.. I can't feel my legs

Panic
Anesthesia kicked in properly, lost total control of my emotions.
Trouble breathing
Doctors moving fast
My brain can't keep up
I try to apologize to Surgeons
I hear their machines beeping

Calm
Medication through the drip helps me restore my balance

Worry
They are struggling to get him out
They are worried about something and keep mentioning 'scar tissue'
They press.. I feel like a ton of bricks are placed on my chest
Something / someone is finally dislodged

Euphoria
I hear him cry
I cry through my Smile
Cannot speak
I am so full
He is here
I birthed him to life

Serene
He is lying on my heart
He is well, ten fingers ten toes

Incomplete
I miss my daughter terribly

Alert
Everything comes into focus
I can hear worry in their tone as they see me up
I follow my son with my eyes, they clean him, they weigh him
My husband, overwhelmed
Surgeons working working
Machines stable beep
I digest it all

Sore
Everything hurts
Anesthesia effect is wearing off

Pain
My core burns, turning hurts, laughing hurts, everything needs a little time to heal.

Blessed
I am a mother of two beautiful children

Tired

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